I don't think this has sunk in

Do you know that I know you intimately, fully, deeply? Do you know that you'll never understand me? Do you realize how mighty I am? You like to pretend I'm predictable. Do you know that the most satisfying thing you can ever do is the spend the rest of your life getting to know ME? Try it, Beloved. Try it and see that I love you more than your little brain can dream up.
oh, and stop worrying. I took care of that centuries ago, when I tore the curtain.

-God

I love God's honesty.

First Desire--Faithwalkers

I went to the Faithwalkers conference at the end of last year. (If you have the opportunity to go, JUST DO IT). It was fantastic. I really really benefited from it in so many ways. Here's just the beginning of what it emphasized and revealed for me.

God, as my first desire. Not as my ONLY desire--because I believe God has made billions of phenomenal things He wants me to enjoy--but just as my FIRST desire. I know He wants that from me. And I know that when I surrender, and "lose my life" (Matt 10:39), I will GAIN it.

This is simply put, and not my most complex writing. The piano part adds too. But that's beside the point. This song is about me renewing my vows to God (Ps 66:13), and holding onto the victory of Christ tighter than ever before.

I'll make you my first desire
And make myself choose to find life
I'll praise you all the louder when I'm crying
Cause your sovereignty doesn't change because of me

As I learn to keep my vows to you;
Jehovah, God of Peace, please wait for me.

I'll rise up with this boldness you've inspired
The fire in my eyes won't ever die
I'll hold tighter to your truth and your desires
Cause you're making me upright and full of life

As I learn to keep my vows to you;
Jehovah, God of Peace, please wait for me

I'll anticipate your loving words like lightning
Be zealous for what you want me to do
Please don't make me go if you're not with me
I need you more than desperation says

As I learn to keep my vows to you;
Jehovah, God of Peace, please wait for me

©March 2011

Please just choose for me

Everything I do needs a place, but I've run out of room to keep it all.
PLEASE COME CHOOSE FOR ME.

I remember when I was little, and I had more stuffed animals than I knew what to do with. But I wanted all of them. I couldn't let myself give any away. So then, of course, my mom made suggestions.
"How about this one?"
"NOOOo I LoooooooVe that one!"
"I didn't even know you had him...let's give him to another child who would really treasure him!"
(We would repeat this about 3 or 4 times until my mother gave up. haha).

That was hard for me. But those are stuffed animals, and this is LIFE. A bit more difficult.

I like to do everything, be everything, and own everything. It's selfish. At the same time, part of that ownership is good, and it shapes who I am. I love having things to do. It allows me to be a more confident person. But I have to make some decisions. Or, LET them be made. I'd love for God to close so many doors...all but the ones he wants me to go through. I want to throw my hat over the fence and commit to becoming good at something. I've spent a long time trying to do a lot of things at once. Which is darn fun. I've always liked it. But I'm ready for a DEDICATED adventure. An adventure with a GOAL. So. Do I wait for doors to open and doors to close? Do I drop everything else and go for the thing that has been tugging at my heart? That's a big move. I'm not so sure about that one. But I want it, too.

I never knew waiting for something would take so long.

//One road says hello, the others says goodbye
And the roads that you don’t choose begin to die.//
-jforeman

pretending things are sad

I'm sitting on my kitchen floor. Eating pasta. Almost like they do in movies. Except that in movies, it seems most people sitting on their kitchen floor are backed by an incredible song that magnifies implied emotion while they eat their food and grieve their recent break-up, or lost job, or lost hope. I'm not doing that right now, though, thankfully. Although the real good song wouldn't be bad.

The circumstances in my life aren't horrible at all, in fact. I like to pretend they are at times, when I'm feeling discontent, or jealous, or impatient. And then I go full throttle into self-pity, fear, and doubt, if I really want to. Isn't that stupid? To pretend like life is horrible, when it's not? Self-pity really isn't worth it. But I pretend it is. Things so often tend to be JUST what you make of them. Which is scary.

Some of you have heard me talk about this, and related topics so much recently. I'm just stuck on it.

At this point, I guess I'm dumbfounded at...how I'm where I am and who I am. I could be anybody. But I'm not. Demographics and psychographics could be different, but they're not. I'm here, now, me.

I've been made fearfully and wonderfully (with imperfections) for the purpose of becoming strong in the things I'm worst at by a God who will one day make everything RIGHT again. That's really hope-filled. That's where I get my optimism, I guess. I'm not sure why it was given to me, but I think God knew I'd need it. I'd be down the tuuuuube if I didn't feel hopeful and grateful. This faith is special. I cherish it. I don't deserve to be a part of it. That makes it even more special

"But I will never stop loving him, nor allow my promises to fail." Psalm 86:33.

The really brilliant thing is that no matter how bad your circumstances are, there's still BOATLOADS of compassion, mercy, love, hope, peace, and blessings to cover. We were meant to be overflowing with these things. I selfishly cheat myself out of them all too often.

"For if our hearts condemn us, God is GREATER than our hearts, and knows all things." 1 John 3:20

Don't sabotage yourself. (There's enough junk in this world that does that job).