I don't think this has sunk in

Do you know that I know you intimately, fully, deeply? Do you know that you'll never understand me? Do you realize how mighty I am? You like to pretend I'm predictable. Do you know that the most satisfying thing you can ever do is the spend the rest of your life getting to know ME? Try it, Beloved. Try it and see that I love you more than your little brain can dream up.
oh, and stop worrying. I took care of that centuries ago, when I tore the curtain.

-God

I love God's honesty.

First Desire--Faithwalkers

I went to the Faithwalkers conference at the end of last year. (If you have the opportunity to go, JUST DO IT). It was fantastic. I really really benefited from it in so many ways. Here's just the beginning of what it emphasized and revealed for me.

God, as my first desire. Not as my ONLY desire--because I believe God has made billions of phenomenal things He wants me to enjoy--but just as my FIRST desire. I know He wants that from me. And I know that when I surrender, and "lose my life" (Matt 10:39), I will GAIN it.

This is simply put, and not my most complex writing. The piano part adds too. But that's beside the point. This song is about me renewing my vows to God (Ps 66:13), and holding onto the victory of Christ tighter than ever before.

I'll make you my first desire
And make myself choose to find life
I'll praise you all the louder when I'm crying
Cause your sovereignty doesn't change because of me

As I learn to keep my vows to you;
Jehovah, God of Peace, please wait for me.

I'll rise up with this boldness you've inspired
The fire in my eyes won't ever die
I'll hold tighter to your truth and your desires
Cause you're making me upright and full of life

As I learn to keep my vows to you;
Jehovah, God of Peace, please wait for me

I'll anticipate your loving words like lightning
Be zealous for what you want me to do
Please don't make me go if you're not with me
I need you more than desperation says

As I learn to keep my vows to you;
Jehovah, God of Peace, please wait for me

©March 2011

Please just choose for me

Everything I do needs a place, but I've run out of room to keep it all.
PLEASE COME CHOOSE FOR ME.

I remember when I was little, and I had more stuffed animals than I knew what to do with. But I wanted all of them. I couldn't let myself give any away. So then, of course, my mom made suggestions.
"How about this one?"
"NOOOo I LoooooooVe that one!"
"I didn't even know you had him...let's give him to another child who would really treasure him!"
(We would repeat this about 3 or 4 times until my mother gave up. haha).

That was hard for me. But those are stuffed animals, and this is LIFE. A bit more difficult.

I like to do everything, be everything, and own everything. It's selfish. At the same time, part of that ownership is good, and it shapes who I am. I love having things to do. It allows me to be a more confident person. But I have to make some decisions. Or, LET them be made. I'd love for God to close so many doors...all but the ones he wants me to go through. I want to throw my hat over the fence and commit to becoming good at something. I've spent a long time trying to do a lot of things at once. Which is darn fun. I've always liked it. But I'm ready for a DEDICATED adventure. An adventure with a GOAL. So. Do I wait for doors to open and doors to close? Do I drop everything else and go for the thing that has been tugging at my heart? That's a big move. I'm not so sure about that one. But I want it, too.

I never knew waiting for something would take so long.

//One road says hello, the others says goodbye
And the roads that you don’t choose begin to die.//
-jforeman

pretending things are sad

I'm sitting on my kitchen floor. Eating pasta. Almost like they do in movies. Except that in movies, it seems most people sitting on their kitchen floor are backed by an incredible song that magnifies implied emotion while they eat their food and grieve their recent break-up, or lost job, or lost hope. I'm not doing that right now, though, thankfully. Although the real good song wouldn't be bad.

The circumstances in my life aren't horrible at all, in fact. I like to pretend they are at times, when I'm feeling discontent, or jealous, or impatient. And then I go full throttle into self-pity, fear, and doubt, if I really want to. Isn't that stupid? To pretend like life is horrible, when it's not? Self-pity really isn't worth it. But I pretend it is. Things so often tend to be JUST what you make of them. Which is scary.

Some of you have heard me talk about this, and related topics so much recently. I'm just stuck on it.

At this point, I guess I'm dumbfounded at...how I'm where I am and who I am. I could be anybody. But I'm not. Demographics and psychographics could be different, but they're not. I'm here, now, me.

I've been made fearfully and wonderfully (with imperfections) for the purpose of becoming strong in the things I'm worst at by a God who will one day make everything RIGHT again. That's really hope-filled. That's where I get my optimism, I guess. I'm not sure why it was given to me, but I think God knew I'd need it. I'd be down the tuuuuube if I didn't feel hopeful and grateful. This faith is special. I cherish it. I don't deserve to be a part of it. That makes it even more special

"But I will never stop loving him, nor allow my promises to fail." Psalm 86:33.

The really brilliant thing is that no matter how bad your circumstances are, there's still BOATLOADS of compassion, mercy, love, hope, peace, and blessings to cover. We were meant to be overflowing with these things. I selfishly cheat myself out of them all too often.

"For if our hearts condemn us, God is GREATER than our hearts, and knows all things." 1 John 3:20

Don't sabotage yourself. (There's enough junk in this world that does that job).

faces

I like smiling at strangers and watching them receive the love they forgot was theirs to receive. Hope, love, and mercy are too often forgotten. Smiling helps people remember.

I've been thinking recently a lot about faces. I think God knew exactly what he was doing when he made them. Who would have thought that hearts would immediately be webbed together with a smile? They are.
Hearts change when they feel cared for. You could almost call it...magic.

Here's a poem. Audrey Assad's song, "For Love Of You" is based on the last three lines (which are the best, in my opinion.)

As Kingfishers Catch Fire by Gerard Manley Hopkins

As king fishers catch fire, dragonflies draw flame;
As tumbled over rim in roundy wells
Stones ring; like each tucked string tells, each hung bell's
Bow swung finds tongue to fling out broad its name;
Each mortal thing does one thing and the same:
Deals out that being indoors each one dwells;
Selves -- goes itself; myself it speaks and spells,
Crying What I do is me: for that I came.

I say more: the just man justices;
Keeps grace: that keeps all his goings graces;
Acts in God's eye what in God's eye he is --
Christ. For Christ plays in ten thousand places,
Lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his
To the Father through the features of men's faces.


Since I mentioned Audrey, I thought I'd give you a *few* of my favorites by her. I have many more. =]

Waiting?

August. Wow. That was fast.

Why do some things fly by, stopping at nothing, while others seem to take forever? And why is it almost always the opposite effect that you'd like it to have?

It's all about our expectations, right?

Expectations are crazy things. I almost wish I didn't have them sometimes. I wish I was completely oblivious to the ways things were "supposed" to be, and how that result would affect me. It feels as if that would be easier. Is it just me?

I let other people dictate TOO much about how I feel. Which is dangerous sometimes. I've learned how to control it more now that I know I have that tendency... but there's still a part of me that, despite my own warning, will get my hopes up for something that will make me happier, something that will make more sense, something that will give me a reason to feel important, etc. How could anyone give me more importance than the One who created me, died for me, and is continually fulfilling an awesome thing in me so long as I'm willing?

After almost 18 years, I've come to a realization:


waiting is so hard.


I've always been told it is, but at the same time, it was hard to know until I felt the sting myself. When my heart felt it, that's when I knew. Here's a crazy question: Is waiting ALWAYS worth it?
Good things come to those who wait, but is there something to be said for staring fear in the face and diving in under the right circumstances? I think so. Thoughts?

oh, and here's some music I like.

Just some thoughts...about LIFE

Billions are breathing
Masses are meditating on meaning
Those living are learning
Those learning are living.
Those LOVING are learning and living.

I'm kinda liking this "life" thing.
Yeah, it's complicated, but only cuz we make it that way. Listen.
You might say people are selfish freaks, and don't understand you, or that you wanna live your own life and people need to back off...but step back and look...

Life means we're living; we're breathing.
Life means we learn, we struggle, we go places, we make friends, we communicate, we interact, we smile, we desire, we need, we go unnoticed, we take the blame, we give, we receive, we wanna be appreciated, we grow up, we mess up, we fall in love, we can't understand, we wait, we rush, we change, we feel, we wonder, we need answers, we laugh, we trust, we forgive, we doubt, we worry, we hope.
It's not about each separate person. We're all living. Right here, right now...


isn't it weird that we were Created to think and live...like this?

people have been living for.....ever. and it's been working for them
the world's not gonna fall apart.
it just isn't.
It can't.

Us people
We don't understand.
we just don't
we're too small, too insignificant
God isn't.
that's why He made us, and He's the go-to man
just don't worry, okay?

Life is like this.
things happen
no getting around it.
the only thing for certain? uncertainty.
That's the hardest thing, but it's life.
don't think so much about doing LIFE as you do about just LIVING
it's really what counts
it's not a tragedy when things don't go as planned. God planned it that way.
our lives are but vapors.....
but HE, HE, is our forever rock....the best EVER.
And he's NOT letting go.
We're not going SOLO in this struggle for full understanding, recognition and love.


Don't take life for granted.


please, HOPE.
once you grasp that rope...
even the frayed end,
you're holding on FOREVER.

.

Exciting Day, Busy Summer, Wonderful Life

And....just to figure out ahead of time (even if it changes) to figure out kinda what I'm headed towards. I LOVE this song.

There's just something about Chris Rice's music that makes me smile almost every time I listen to it. :]

Too many emotions

David, my oldest brother, graduated from Wheaton College in Chicago, Illinois the beginning of May. It was around the time of mother's day, my grandma's 70th, and my mom's birthday, so all my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents met in Chicago for a reunion. It was great seeing everybody again. On our way to Chicago, we stopped in St. Louis for a night to see my other grandparents. It was Thursday when we saw my grandpa. He had Parkinson's disease, and was going down hill very quickly. He was losing his appetite, and losing weight. He was so weak when we saw him. I had never been with him when he couldn't even say hello or turn his head. He heard everything we said to him....he just couldn't communicate. It broke my heart. He wasn't the old Papa I used to know--the man who always made hilarious jokes and kept us smiling. No, he was motionless. Brian and I sang him a few songs and read him some verses from the Bible. Our family prayed for him before we left and told him his granddaughter and daughter in law were going to come see him this weekend. We headed to Chicago and had a busy weekend there. We drove on Friday morning from Wheaton to my Uncle's house about an hour away from campus. It was great. It was such pretty neighborhood. We saw my cousins, Anna and James. They are adorable. =]p We spent the whole day there as the other family members arrived, and we all reunited and it was amazing. I loooove my family. Saturday, we went to this fancy hotel where the rest of our family was staying--the Drake. We hung out there for a while. This happened right outside the hotel-- http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/2009/05/possible-police-involved-shooting-near-drake-hotel.html
That was really exciting...since at first everything was so unclear, it was fun trying to guess what had happened from what we heard and by looking at the police cars. =]
Sunday, there was a baccalaureate service in honor of the graduates--it was good. After that, there was a brunch that all the family came to. Yum. That was the last time we were going to see all the family members on this trip, so we took group pics, and said our goodbyes. :[ We went to David's apartment to get him packed up and moved out. We packed and cleaned for a while until it was time to go to the actual commencement ceremony. There were 597 graduates. :[p It ended up going pretty quickly though..and we got to scream for David when he went up..so that was fun. He graduated summa cum laude (with highest honors). =] I like him. A lot. The day after graduation, he left for Europe with his singing group. They are singing at churches and orphanages. It was hard saying goodbye to him again too. He'll be home late this Monday night. I can't wait to see him.
But back to the trip....Monday morning, on my mom's birthday, we got the news: my grandpa had passed away. it was REALLY hard. We were planning on driving back to St. Louis that day anyway, and were going to visit him on our way out to KS. But...he...was...gone. We stayed at my aunt's house again, and it was good spending time with them (my aunt, uncle and cousins) after seeing them in Chicago. We stayed there from Monday until Thursday. We got to chill and hang out at the house, although at moments it was hardly relaxing, just because I was so ready for the week to be over. I kept just wanting to cry.....we had been away from home since Wednesday the week before, so it had only been about a week and a day total. It felt like months to me. I wanted to be home. My mom actually drove to KS on Tuesday to get things from home like my grandad's paintings (he was awesome artist), and some pictures for a slideshow of him to have at the funeral. She drove back the same day. Thursday was the funeral. Brian and I sang I will Rise (Chris Tomlin). I could sense whenever anyone else started to cry, and that made me think of crying... so it was hard to sing, but we did okay. We all drove to the cemetery and since my grandpa fought in WWII and was AMAZING, he had the flag draped over his casket, and two people in uniform folded it and there was a cool ceremony for him to honor his service. There was a gun salute and it was loud. They played the taps. It hit everybody then. All he had done for his country and for everyone he knew. He was a great man. My grandma had a hard time. I felt really bad for her. Al the family members went out to lunch after the funeral. I realized I not only saw everyone on my mom's side of the family that week, but I saw many family members on my dad's side because of the funeral and stuff. That was good...but exhausting. haha. =] I saw my cousin. he's old...er. He has two daughters and is a lawer, so, I keep forgetting he's not my uncle. =] I hadn't seen him in over 8 years, and wondered if he'd remember me, but when he saw me, he gave me a big hug and called me "peanut". =]p That made me happy. Just that he showed me I was special. I can't imagine going through that day without him...he was a blessing to me---he kept me smiling throughout the day. What's next...um, it was in the afternoon on Thursday, and we went back to our aunt's house to pack up our stuff (which we had a ton of) in the two cars we had with us (for a couple reasons). We got to hang out with our cousins for a while before leaving, which made my night. I would have gone home more depressed and emotional otherwise. I was so exhausted, and so were my mom, dad, and brother...but we had a 4 hour car ride ahead of us... ;] It was a good ride. We were maybe 45 minutes from home when my mom and I started singing kid's songs and nursery rhymes to keep her awake and alert for the rest of the drive. That was kind of fun, even though I just wanted to sleeeeep! We got home---and were SO GLAD. It was around midnight....and I had to work the next day and had a super busy weekend...so I think I'm still recovering.... *sigh*
You may not have wanted to read all of this...and I know it's all about how crazy MY life is... Sorry. It was kind of a big thing and I felt like I should share, so, lucky you. ;]

blogging

So, I decided to get a blog. I thought it was a cool idea, and now maybe I won't spend so much time on facebook. I'd like to blog more, cuz I realized how much I enjoyed writing facebook notes. So enough about facebook. I really am looking forward to writing more--it'll take some more extra thought to write really cool things, cuz it's not my best area of talent...haha, but I love reading awesome stuff--does that count? I love literature quite a bit. I love finding stuff that has hidden meaning, symbolism, etc. I'm gonna work on writing it here...or maybe I'll just give boring updates of my day. We'll see how strongly I hold to that.
Main point: I'm excited to try some awesome new things with this blog.

the end.